Odysseus’s wife faces suitors while Odysseus faces hardships! Exclusive scoop! (By Tyler)

Tyler, official hero reporter for Celebrity Gossip!

 

Everyone has heard of Odysseus, the noble king of Ithaca, right? Well, if you’ve heard of him, then you have definitely heard of his wife, Penelope. Ever since Odysseus has failed to report home from the Trojan War, Penelope has had a long line up of extremely eligible bachelors at her door. There has been no official comment from Penelope on which one she will choose, but we imagine it won’t be long before our poor widowed Penelope is widow no more! Among her suitors was the internationally renowned Ashton Kutcher, who seemed confident that Penelope would choose him. This from Kutcher: “Of course Penelope will choose me. Why wouldn’t she? After all, how could anyone resist my gorgeous hazel eyes? Why? Has she said something about choosing someone else? Have you heard anything? Has she spoken to you? WHAT DO YOU KNOW?” This is coming from seemingly confident suitor Ashton Kutcher.

Though for the record, the team here at Celebrity Gossip! has a hard time seeing how anyone could refuse Ashton Kutcher.

Meanwhile, no one has heard anything from Odysseus in years, although we have heard some rather delicious rumours about him and a beautiful sea nymph named Calypso. We have also heard similar rumours about him and a sorceress named Circe, so perhaps Penelope would do best to choose Mr. Kutcher after all. Unless we at Celebrity Gossip! get there first. It certainly seems as if Odysseus will not be coming home, although one of his comrades from the Trojan War, Menelaus, swears that Odysseus will be home one day soon. Certainly, many of the citizens of Odysseus’s native Ithaca seem to still be confident that he will return.

Speaking of the Trojan War, the world is still mourning the loss of hunk hero Achilles. Apollo himself is said to have struck him down in a fit of wrath, his hand guiding the Trojan prince Paris’s bow. Achilles isn’t the only one, either! Ajax, another hero who we had similarly hoped would be single sometime soon, and Agamemnon, the king of Athens himself, were also struck down recently. This is truly a sad couple of years for the world of celebrity hero gossip, and we are truly not sure that we will ever recover.

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