Phrygian Hermaphrodite Deity is Manly No More! (By Gillian)

 Oh, oh, looks like even the gods can’t keep their manlihoods! And it’s not even Agdie’s ex that cut those sensitive things off! (BTW, Zeus totally deserves a nut cut-off, too. But… if Hera didn’t target the wrong people so much, us at Perez Homer might not get enough material, so it evens up in the end.) And despite that little note, it wasn’t solely her either. It was a group effort on the part of all the Olympians. Yep. That one humble hermaphrodite from Phrygia scared them all so much, they just had to neuter it! Why? We’ll just say that the gods lost their marbles. Or rather, they never had any in the first place!

Like, seriously, look at what they name their kids! Apollo, Persephone, Heracles…

We use sensible names, like: Pericles, Socrates, Militiades…

Anyway, back on topic: when our Agdie lost his balls, he also changed his name. To Kybele. And since he still had his womanly flower, he became a goddess as well. It was her no-nuts crisis! And a normal part of being a god. As I said before, well, they are all crazy. Even the ones that aren’t.

And the scandal only got more scandalous from there!

Nuts aren’t just an euphemism now, baby!

His nuts became an almond tree, making ‘nuts’ literal instead of purely figurative. And a nymph, named Nana (which BTW, makes her sound like an old woman), sat beneath the balls-tree and a nut fell in her lap. And that got her preggers!

The baby, little cutie Attie, grew up and turned this into a hetero/homo incest thing. Yep, his father/mother has a consort and that consort is his/her son!

And this scandal will probably only get thornier and twistier from here!

Perez Homer, hoping the gods won’t cut off my nuts!

Perez Homer: Greek Mythology Gossip Blog Assignment

Due Monday, July 9

Lady Gaga wears a dress made of Q-Tips!

Brangelina adopt quintuplets from East Timor!

Believe it or not: Justin spotted wearing Selena’s shoes!

Celebrity gossip is everywhere these days, but it’s nothing new. In fact, classical texts prove that human society has always been hungry for tantalizing stories of scandals, love affairs, and the dirty deeds of gods and mortals. Greek mythology provides some of the foundational metaphors of western culture as well as stories that would set the blogosphere on fire even today. 

Your task is to be an ancient Greek celebrity gossip blogger. Write a creative blog post about any of the characters in your myth, human or mortal. Your post must contain accurate and specific references to the character.

• Use your imagination – fill in the details as though the character is a contemporary celebrity
• Include a creative headline
• Include an appropriate image that relates to your post, and write a clear and informative caption (1-2 senteces)
• Write in a playful, casual tone but use correct spelling and grammar

Example:

Helen Dishes the Dirt on Oprah

It girl Helen, a.k.a. “The Face that Launched a Thousand Ships” sat in Queen O’s chair yesterday and dished the dirt about the stable of international suitors who have been literally killing each other trying to woo her. Theseus, Menelaus, Paris – who is next in this lineup of eligible bachelors from around the Agean? Now that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have split, we think that this Pirate of the Carribean might use his seafaring stardom to seek her hand.

In her slinky Dior robe and jewelled Manolos, Helen really is a bombshell, and just as explosive. She’s the diva that men desire and women despise. “You know, it’s not easy being this beautiful,” she confided. “Imagine – just as I was getting comfortable with my hubby Menelaus in our Mycenaean palace, Paris shows up and drags me off to Troy! And now ten years later, thousands of soldiers on both sides are dead, the women of Troy hate me, and to tell you the truth, there’s not much spark between me and Paris these days.” You poor thing, Helen, must be so tough being you!

If the woman who caused the Trojan War can get sympathy from anyone, it’s Oprah. Honey, begging does not look good on you!

Oprah, always asking the tough questions, confronted Helen about her decision to leave with Paris. Helen put the blame sqaurely on Aphrodite’s shoulders. “I mgiht be the most beautiful woman in the world, but who am I to argue with the Goddess of Love?” Does this woman deserve our pity? Will she go back home to domestic bliss with Menelaus or will the ugliness of the bloody Trojan War continue to overshadow Helen’s beauty?

Mythology

What is the function of mythology?

• Explains the world and natural phenomena
• Teaches us lessons and values
• Entertains
• Provides authority and legitimacy, establishes a unified identity
• A means of exploration

The Monomyth

An American psychologist  and anthropologist, Joseph Campbell, wrote a book called The Hero with a Thousand Faces (1949), where he researched heroic narratives from around the world and noted some interesting patterns. Campbell discovered several common basic stages that almost every hero goes through on his/her quest. This structure is called the MONOMYTH.

Since Campbell’s original thesis, other scholars have formulated the monomyth in different ways. We will be examining a few heroic myths:

• Heracles
• Perseus
• Theseus
• Jason
• Odysseus

Mythweb is A helpful resource that recounts Greek myths in a very user friendly manner.

HOMEWORK: Read your assigned heroic myth and complete the monomyth chart. Tomorrow we will be sharing these myths with the class.