Grecian Gossip Blog (by Devin)

(Note before you read this article that I’m usually the obituary reporter, although I’m not above the occasional pun)

In a shocking turn of events Jason, the retriever of the Golden Fleece has abandoned Medea the princess who was indispensable to him on his quest. The Sorceress is a strong woman but even she has been reduced to tears by this latest turn of events. We got an exclusive interview with the distraught beauty queen she stated that “That (censored) left me for Kim Kardashian, do you know how embarrassing that is I can help him destroy his enemies with a wave of my pinky all she can do is (censored).” We left the depressed princess to continue ranting at mid-air and went on to speak to Jason himself.

The man who broke the witch’s heart

After the hero left Medea sitting alone and depressed he was the subject of much controversy in the world of celebrity blogging. Some said that he may never have even loved Medea in the first place and may have even simply used her to get the fleece. We decided to ask the hero himself, here’s how the interview went.

Q: “So did you ever love Medea?”

A: “What you think I could even think about loving her after finding out she was a witch, gods it’s so freaking creepy!”

Q: “Why Kim?”

A:”I’ve always loved her show and she’s just so hot, I couldn’t say no.”

Ouch, poor Medea we can only hope that she never finds out that he didn’t love her. We did however notice an interesting theme in his girlfriends both have had something to do with Media. Until next time!

Oedipus the Ex (by Nick)

After a media blackout of several weeks, everyone’s favourite train-wreck Oedipus made his much awaited return to the spotlight on last night’s episode of Doctor Phil. Fate’s least favourite king went into hiatus following the revelation that he had (kids, close your eyes) killed his own father and slept with his mother. In what must be the worst case of Karma this side of Tibet, this crushing reality was revealed to Oedipus after he vowed to search and punish whoever killed Laius, the previous king of Thebes.

Things got a little Charlie Sheen after this, with Oedipus’ wife/mother, Jocasta, killing herself, and then Oedipus subsequently gouging out his own eyes. All this in a whirlwind 24 hours. The break, needless to say, was understandable, but the anticipation of Oedipus’ return was intense all the same.

Yikes…..”Think youve got problems…? Talk to Oedipus…” This is the shot taken immediately after oedipus’ lover and mother committed suicide.

Oedipus approached Phil’s famous armchair looking much like the fallen king that he was; wearing sunglasses and tapping back and forth with a white cane. The audience held its breath. Sensing tension, Oedipus tried to lighten the mood by joking that he was happy to finally meet Oprah, but all that the audience managed was an awkward chuckle. The Doctor was careful not to step on any toes. He walked the straight and narrow with the questions he asked; he knew that any bad move would be scandalous. Oedipus seemed to be largely at peace though, saying “I can’t blame myself for what happened, and I understand that. I now know that I couldn’t have avoided what the Oracle predicted and it was foolish of me to try to avoid it.”

Odysseus the man amongst men (By Elliot)

“Where did Odysseus go?” at least that is the question on the minds of the mob back at home in Ithaca, when out of the blue he appears from the dust itself.  Apparently he told his agent that he was going to take some time off fighting to go home and settle down after the affair with Athena.  Word has it though that he was being “held against his will by Calypso” but let’s face it, the old girl has had her eye on him for a long time now.  Odysseus is a man of the highest caliber and there is no denying that his suave is that of legends in Attica.  “Let’s just say that things got a little hot” Hermes said to the press the other day with a savage grin and a sly wink, and that “If I had not got there when I did who knows how long she might have held him”.  According to Hermes he went so far as to confirm the rumor that Odysseus agreed with her that “she was more beautiful than his wife”.  Some of our more prominent relationship experts say that with something like this Penelope is better off with the suitors.   Though he has left word has it that he has been spotted dancing with princess Nausicaa on the Phoenician coast.  Where will this playboy go next?  How much longer can Penelope wait?  What relationship does Odysseus have with Calypso and the foreign princess?  All will be answered with our upcoming interview with Athena and Zeus, next week so tune in for the latest news!

Let’s face it does Odysseus looks more horrified seeing Hermes then fearing being stuck with Calypso. How can you expect to receive sympathy Odysseus? (Calypso and Odysseus)

Hercules is Home… Again! (By Harrison)

The famed hero Hercules has once again returned home after completing his twelfth task of capturing the malevolent hellhound Cerberus from Hades, the kingdom of the dead itself.

The seemingly impossible task was made possible simply through Hercules’ unrivalled strength and bravery. The modest hero pointed out in an interview with Pierce Morgan “without the impenetrable skin that I cut from the Nemean lion”, which he acquired during his first labor, “I would not have been able to capture Cerberus”. Whether true or not, it speaks to the character of Hercules. After twelve of the most epic of tasks King Eurystheus orchestrated, the man somehow remains modest.

 

As the son of the supreme deity Zeus, Hercules seemed destined for greatness. Hera, who many people speculate as being simply jealous of him (and let`s face it who isn’t), has endlessly tried to foil his destiny. These attempts include sending snakes to kill him as a baby, starting rumors suggesting the Greeks had captured the Amazonian queen, and entrusting a multi-headed dragon and a group of nymphs called Hesperides with guarding apples. These apples were later retrieved by Hercules in his eleventh labor.

 

Because of the troubles Hera caused, many people were not surprised when Hercules seemed to go mad and murdered his own children. When Peirce Morgan asked him about his trouble past, Hercules responded by saying, “what happened in the past is the past. I cannot change it. But I regret my decisions, and have since learned from it, and am now better equipped to handle Hera`s tyranny“. The murder of his children is what forced him to complete the twelve impossible quests for Eurystheus.

 

When asked what he plans to do now that his labors are completed, the hero simply replied, “I plan to continue embarking on adventures, travel, and spend time with my wife Deianara“. I`m sure he`ll be spending a lot of time healing his battle wounds (or lack thereof!), in his new home on Mount Olympus.

 

Hercules is set to be accepted as a god by virtue of his spectacular adventures, unmanageable for any mortal man

 

Andromeda Caught! Love Affair With Uncle’s soldier, exposed! (By Eily)

King Cepheus’ daughter Andromeda (some may remember her from her almost death at the hands of the Kraken) has been caught cheating on long-time hubby and hunky hero of Greece, Perseus, with a soldier who was formerly employed by her dead Uncle Phineas.

Word of the scandal came out just a few years after the bloody battle slash wedding feast celebrating the union of Andromeda and Perseus, when a palace maid boasted she had seen the soldier and ‘Dromeda canoodling in the courtyard together, while Perseus was on a media tour promoting his new line of Gorgon head sacks!

“It was so juicy!” our source exclaimed, “There I was, just walking around, cleaning up sacrifices, when I saw them sneaking off together all mysterious and such, I followed them and they spilled all the deets! I even saw them worshipping Dionysus, if you know what I mean… It’s the shocker of the century!”

 

A cellphone pic snapped of the two lovers! Don’t worry Perse, there are plenty more fish in the sea… or maidens chained to a rock, LOL!

According to the source, Andromeda also tipped off Phineas’ men on the night of the wedding, hoping Phineas and his men could come stop the wedding and whisk her away from Perseus – but I guess they just weren’t fast enough to nab the Grecian beauty. Maybe they should ask Perseus to borrow his winged sandals, LOL!

Unfortunately, reps of Andromeda could not be reached for comment.

Oh and BTW, rumour has it our Gorgon-head wielding hero Perseus is the jealous type, so our soldier-in-love better run and hide as fast as he can, or buy a Gorgon sack to put on his head! LOL!

Odysseus’s wife faces suitors while Odysseus faces hardships! Exclusive scoop! (By Tyler)

Tyler, official hero reporter for Celebrity Gossip!

 

Everyone has heard of Odysseus, the noble king of Ithaca, right? Well, if you’ve heard of him, then you have definitely heard of his wife, Penelope. Ever since Odysseus has failed to report home from the Trojan War, Penelope has had a long line up of extremely eligible bachelors at her door. There has been no official comment from Penelope on which one she will choose, but we imagine it won’t be long before our poor widowed Penelope is widow no more! Among her suitors was the internationally renowned Ashton Kutcher, who seemed confident that Penelope would choose him. This from Kutcher: “Of course Penelope will choose me. Why wouldn’t she? After all, how could anyone resist my gorgeous hazel eyes? Why? Has she said something about choosing someone else? Have you heard anything? Has she spoken to you? WHAT DO YOU KNOW?” This is coming from seemingly confident suitor Ashton Kutcher.

Though for the record, the team here at Celebrity Gossip! has a hard time seeing how anyone could refuse Ashton Kutcher.

Meanwhile, no one has heard anything from Odysseus in years, although we have heard some rather delicious rumours about him and a beautiful sea nymph named Calypso. We have also heard similar rumours about him and a sorceress named Circe, so perhaps Penelope would do best to choose Mr. Kutcher after all. Unless we at Celebrity Gossip! get there first. It certainly seems as if Odysseus will not be coming home, although one of his comrades from the Trojan War, Menelaus, swears that Odysseus will be home one day soon. Certainly, many of the citizens of Odysseus’s native Ithaca seem to still be confident that he will return.

Speaking of the Trojan War, the world is still mourning the loss of hunk hero Achilles. Apollo himself is said to have struck him down in a fit of wrath, his hand guiding the Trojan prince Paris’s bow. Achilles isn’t the only one, either! Ajax, another hero who we had similarly hoped would be single sometime soon, and Agamemnon, the king of Athens himself, were also struck down recently. This is truly a sad couple of years for the world of celebrity hero gossip, and we are truly not sure that we will ever recover.

Phrygian Hermaphrodite Deity is Manly No More! (By Gillian)

 Oh, oh, looks like even the gods can’t keep their manlihoods! And it’s not even Agdie’s ex that cut those sensitive things off! (BTW, Zeus totally deserves a nut cut-off, too. But… if Hera didn’t target the wrong people so much, us at Perez Homer might not get enough material, so it evens up in the end.) And despite that little note, it wasn’t solely her either. It was a group effort on the part of all the Olympians. Yep. That one humble hermaphrodite from Phrygia scared them all so much, they just had to neuter it! Why? We’ll just say that the gods lost their marbles. Or rather, they never had any in the first place!

Like, seriously, look at what they name their kids! Apollo, Persephone, Heracles…

We use sensible names, like: Pericles, Socrates, Militiades…

Anyway, back on topic: when our Agdie lost his balls, he also changed his name. To Kybele. And since he still had his womanly flower, he became a goddess as well. It was her no-nuts crisis! And a normal part of being a god. As I said before, well, they are all crazy. Even the ones that aren’t.

And the scandal only got more scandalous from there!

Nuts aren’t just an euphemism now, baby!

His nuts became an almond tree, making ‘nuts’ literal instead of purely figurative. And a nymph, named Nana (which BTW, makes her sound like an old woman), sat beneath the balls-tree and a nut fell in her lap. And that got her preggers!

The baby, little cutie Attie, grew up and turned this into a hetero/homo incest thing. Yep, his father/mother has a consort and that consort is his/her son!

And this scandal will probably only get thornier and twistier from here!

Perez Homer, hoping the gods won’t cut off my nuts!

Pandora Opens the Treasure of Secrets (By Simmy)

Well, well…just when we thought the new Hollywood “it” girl Pandora, would put her notorious scandals to end, yet another one hits us. It seems that her name, meaning “all gifts”, has done her justice as she has brought all of us another “gift” to speak about. Now I do not mean gift as in a present wrapped in the prettiest bow, at least Zeus does not think so.

Pandora has caused the most talked about family in Hollywood fury as she let out personal information to the public. Witnesses say Pandora was seen partying in Los Angeles’ social scene this weekend, where her alcohol consumption got the better of her. Throughout the night she pulled off numerous rants about Epimetheus, her husband, and his so called cheating behavior. If that was not enough, the rants then targeted her brother-in-law, Promethius, and his fraud scandal with several other Hollywood elites.

TMZ caught the thirty-two year old checking into rehab early Monday morning, looking more disheveled than Lindsey Lohan in her rehab days. We are not sure if the socialite was reluctant or willing to get help for her binge drinking, either way we can all agree that in order to save her family’s heirloom, rehab is the best stop. An anonymous friend close to Pandora commented, “Pandora did not mean to act the way she did on Saturday. She is taking responsibility for her acts and hopes that her family can forgive her.”

As for the Hollywood family, we have no word on their standpoint in storm Pandora. I mean opening the box of family secrets was a huge no no… so we wonder why Zeus would even trust her with them. I guess they were bound to be revealed somehow, and who better than the newcomer in the family?

I say we should all commend Pandora for being strong enough to admit that she has done wrong, and hope for the best in her future. We love you Miss Popular Pandora!

Minos Family Feud, Round 2! (By Connor)

            Yesterday Cretan diva Ariadne, daughter of King Minos, was seen jet-setting away from her island estate with none other than the athletic Athenian heartthrob Theseus. Ariadne must really be mad at her dear daddy for running away with the Athenian star of the hit reality show “The Labyrinth”, and son of King Aegeus. It seems like only yesterday that Theseus upset the Minoan favourite Minotaur, in the mind-twisting labyrinth to win the coveted crown (with a little help on the side *wink*), but it didn’t take him too long to move on to his next prize, Ariadne.

            Now the question that’s on everybody’s mind is how Minos is reacting to yet another family fiasco! It wasn’t too long ago that his wife, Pasiphae, had an affair with the hunky, “bull-of-a-man” Channing Tatum. Not to mention the shocking death of his son Adrogeus at the Panathenaic games! The family man image doesn’t seem to work so well without the family part… tough luck for Minos. The King of Minoan civilization himself, has been unable to comment seeing as he has been hiding in meetings with The Labyrinth’s producer Daedalus all week, however we can assume that he is going bananas!

            Rumours are also circulating that the Athenian heartthrob was just using Ariadne to help win the show! Is Theseus that cold-hearted? For Ariadne’s sake lets hope not because there is no turning back to Crete now. That’s right honey it’s full-steam ahead, but if Kim Kardashian can set a precedent, it’s that you can be out of this in a month! That’s all the info I got folks, but don’t worry because this bubbling blogger will keep all of you Mycenaean and Minoan gossipers updated as this classic clash unfolds.

XOXO – Herodotus (father of history and Greek gossip)

Perez Homer: Greek Mythology Gossip Blog Assignment

Due Monday, July 9

Lady Gaga wears a dress made of Q-Tips!

Brangelina adopt quintuplets from East Timor!

Believe it or not: Justin spotted wearing Selena’s shoes!

Celebrity gossip is everywhere these days, but it’s nothing new. In fact, classical texts prove that human society has always been hungry for tantalizing stories of scandals, love affairs, and the dirty deeds of gods and mortals. Greek mythology provides some of the foundational metaphors of western culture as well as stories that would set the blogosphere on fire even today. 

Your task is to be an ancient Greek celebrity gossip blogger. Write a creative blog post about any of the characters in your myth, human or mortal. Your post must contain accurate and specific references to the character.

• Use your imagination – fill in the details as though the character is a contemporary celebrity
• Include a creative headline
• Include an appropriate image that relates to your post, and write a clear and informative caption (1-2 senteces)
• Write in a playful, casual tone but use correct spelling and grammar

Example:

Helen Dishes the Dirt on Oprah

It girl Helen, a.k.a. “The Face that Launched a Thousand Ships” sat in Queen O’s chair yesterday and dished the dirt about the stable of international suitors who have been literally killing each other trying to woo her. Theseus, Menelaus, Paris – who is next in this lineup of eligible bachelors from around the Agean? Now that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have split, we think that this Pirate of the Carribean might use his seafaring stardom to seek her hand.

In her slinky Dior robe and jewelled Manolos, Helen really is a bombshell, and just as explosive. She’s the diva that men desire and women despise. “You know, it’s not easy being this beautiful,” she confided. “Imagine – just as I was getting comfortable with my hubby Menelaus in our Mycenaean palace, Paris shows up and drags me off to Troy! And now ten years later, thousands of soldiers on both sides are dead, the women of Troy hate me, and to tell you the truth, there’s not much spark between me and Paris these days.” You poor thing, Helen, must be so tough being you!

If the woman who caused the Trojan War can get sympathy from anyone, it’s Oprah. Honey, begging does not look good on you!

Oprah, always asking the tough questions, confronted Helen about her decision to leave with Paris. Helen put the blame sqaurely on Aphrodite’s shoulders. “I mgiht be the most beautiful woman in the world, but who am I to argue with the Goddess of Love?” Does this woman deserve our pity? Will she go back home to domestic bliss with Menelaus or will the ugliness of the bloody Trojan War continue to overshadow Helen’s beauty?